: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My pussy is not your playground.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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