I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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