i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
