i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
