he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
