I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
