I will die if light touches me.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
