Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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