It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
