i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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