sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
