I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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