Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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