Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
