remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
