he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize