I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
