I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
