my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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