She announced her abortion via fbk
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
