My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
