woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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