Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize