My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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