his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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