I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
