I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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