I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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