Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
