Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize