yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
