Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize