More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You left your phone here
Wait...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
