i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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