Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
