She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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