Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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