can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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