My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize