Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
