I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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