just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Can you bring me the toilet please
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
