It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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