my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
