She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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