Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
