I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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