I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
