i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
