I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
