Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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