everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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