Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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