I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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