News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
