Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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