When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize