just come out here and I will go home with you...
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
