so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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