i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
