What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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