My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
