when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Randomize
