she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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