I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
