What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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