I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
