They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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