this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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