So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
